I have no motherly instincts

Howdy, everyone! I really enjoyed yesterday’s blog about car problems, and I was really happy to see that a bunch of folks commented. It makes me glad to know people are reading my blog. And it was kind of comforting to know that I am not alone in my car woes. Cars are pretty much one of those annoying, stressful necessities in life.

Well, today, I’m going to shift (haha, see what I did there?) into a more serious topic: my desire to never have kids. In my entire life, never did I think I’d want kids. And before anyone gets mad at me: If you are a parent, more power to you, seriously. That is an amazing thing you are doing, and the fact that you can do that is just extraordinary to me. And for you to have to deal with all the extra stress of this pandemic and school and everything going on now, I am inspired by your ability to do so.

I simply would never have been able to handle any aspect of child care. I remember when I was 12 or 14 years old or so, and some family friends asked me to babysit their two kids. Now, I had absolutely no experience doing this. None. I didn’t have any younger siblings. And one of the kids I was to babysit was still in diapers! No one realized that I had NO IDEA how to change a diaper. I had no idea how to feed children or what to do with them. I think I gave the baby soda, so there you go. I think it was supposed to be some sort of learning experience, and the only thing I learned is that I am a terrible babysitter. They never called me to babysit again. Gee, I wonder why.

That was probably the start of me thinking that I would never want kids. Everyone said that I would grow out of that, that eventually I would want kids. Everyone wants kids! Well, I am now 38 years old and child free. And I do NOT regret it. You know what I would have regretted? Putting a child into this world that I would not have wanted. And that sounds totally heartless and horrible. “Once you have a baby, you’ll change your mind!” What? And if I didn’t change my mind, then what? This is a human life, not an appliance I can take back to the store and get my money back.

There are many reasons I would have not been a good mother. I still know absolutely nothing about taking care of a child. I have NO PATIENCE. I hate noise. I am already fatigued most of the time. Vomit, drool, etc. all make me dry heave and want to vomit. “But it would be different if it were your kid!” No, and again, why would I want to test that?

Strangely enough, though, I can’t have children of my own anyway. First , I would not want to risk passing on my autoimmune condition. Second, I can actually get pregnant, but the medicine I take that keeps me alive would kill the fetus, as does most, if not all, of the meds that are prescribed for what I have (GPA). I’ve read that women who have GPA and want to get pregnant will go off their meds to do so. That was too risky an option for me. If ever at any point I wanted kids, I would have had to adopt. (There is absolutely nothing wrong with adoption. In fact, not enough people consider this as an option at all.)

I remember, though, when the doctor told me I really shouldn’t and couldn’t have kids. It actually bothered me in that moment. I think it was mainly because it was this official thing, and I was in my early 20s, so it was still possible for me to change my mind about having kids. But after thinking about it, I wasn’t bothered by it anymore. I really didn’t want to have kids, and I really didn’t think I would change my mind about it. And I never did.

Side note: If I had any control over my body, I would have gotten a hysterectomy when I was in my early 20s. What is the point of me having those parts if I don’t want and especially since I can’t have a child anyway? I hate that I couldn’t do that. And now, I’m going through painful premenopause.

I also was never making enough money to be able to afford a child. I could barely afford to take care of myself at one point. And I sure wouldn’t be living with my mom now, and I would be too busy with a kid or kids to be able to help her out much. And the responsibilities of having a child! Oh, no way could I handle that. Being in charge of a human life is just so daunting for me. I am barely able to take care of my own life.

So, this is for all the parents out there who are working their hardest and trying their darnedest to raise kids: You deserve all the praise! That is one heck of an undertaking, and I am always amazed by those who can handle it. I do not know how my parents put up with me and my siblings, and I applaud them for all eternity for doing so.

Until next time!

The Frazzled Daisy

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